Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Hiding with Neurofibromatosis

So, I've been working at the movie theater for 3 months now.  I've made my presence known as someone who is hardworking and reliable.  My favorite job there, is working in the cafe' as a barista...I get to make cool drinks and desserts...And I take a lot of pride in the products I send out to people.

I've become known as the best barista at the theater...And even have guests order something, just because...I AM the one working.  Even having one guest tell me that his Iced Coffee with Caramel...was like having an "orgasm in his mouth"...

-Jaw Dropped-

I am having a lot of fun, but I still struggle with being 'out there' - in front of people.

It's a constant struggle.

Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite - Claiming to THRIVE with NF...While inside, I am still trying to figure out how to deal with the constant battles I have in regards to WHAT I THINK is happening when someone sees me.

I'm under these bright lights, so I know that I can't hide my bumps.  I KNOW they can be seen...So, then I have to find ways to make up, for how I come across.

Being EXTRA nice....Helps.  The fast-paced flow of people makes it so people don't really have much time to stare and ask questions...I literally can help 400-600 people a night...

But I am realizing that I am one VERY insecure person.

It doesn't matter to me when someone says "who cares what people think."

I always have cared.  And I always will.  And I guess what REALLY matters, when it comes down to it...Is if I CHOOSE to allow what people THINK of me, affect how I feel/think of myself....And if I let those people stop me from going out into the world and THRIVING.

I know that even 'perfect' people deal with how they feel about themselves...Look at all the people who get cosmetic surgery...Even tho, they REALLY don't need it...

Losing 120 pounds has surprisingly done little to help me feel better - emotionally.  I thought I would be magically transformed...Shedding the old me...But that's not what has happened.

My bumps are here.  I am who I am.  I have to learn how to embrace this....Even when it seems impossible.

I am always working on myself.  Always STRIVING to THRIVE!


Monday, June 1, 2015

Off to Camp!

The kids have been gone for over 24 hours now...The house is empty....And I am feeling like I want to accomplish ALL these things....But...I am having a rough time getting my mind (and I guess my body) motivated.

All I want to do is - NOTHING.  I want to soak up the quietness and rest.

Our home has never once been this quiet, so taking advantage of this time is important...So- why can't I push through and actually GET SOMETHING DONE?

Like my books....?

Summer will be in full swing, when the kids come back from camp...And in a little less than 2 wks ....I fly off to Utah, to see my dad.

It's always hurry hurry in the Hopkins house...So maybe there is nothing wrong with me taking this time to unwind and chill.

I still want to write my books...and I still need to re-write my keynote speech for my speaking gig in Canada....

Can someone just freeze time...?