Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Out With The Old

I have never been considered a "fit" person....I've lost a lot, gained a lot...and yo-yo'd around the scale my entire life.  "Sturdy"-"Chubby"-"Fat"....None have been easy.

I went to the gym today...My husband and I try to get there as much as our busy life will allow us to...And as I was running/walking on the treadmill (trying to get my 30 minutes in) I flashed back to my 14 year old self.  

The 150 pound 8th grader, who could barely run a lap around the baseball field.

That shy, troubled girl--She had given the adult me, so many reasons to want to give up.  

As my work-out music filled my ears, and I pumped up the speed...I remembered when I first walked into this gym a year ago...It was intimidating and scary.  Just like in 8th grade, trying to keep up with my peers, running that stupid timed mile.

I was well over 200 pounds when I walked into this gym a year ago and I wondered how on Earth I was ever going to accomplish my goals.  The first few times in the gym were truly like an episode of 'The Biggest Loser'...(without the screaming or vomiting)

I had so far to go.  THAT ALONE was reason enough for me to run walk the other direction.  Not to mention that I was SURE someone in that gym would comment on my tumors.

At least being fat, my tumors were somewhat hidden...

As STYX played another favorite song, cheering me on, I looked at my reflection in the mirror beside me...(I honestly never EVER look in the mirror while I am at the gym...I feel I looked ridiculous)  I almost didn't recognize myself. 80 pounds lost.  80 POUNDS!

I increased the speed a bit more and began to jog....I smiled and realized that, the 8th grade girl I have always related to, was no longer there.  I had hung onto that girl...who was filled with so many excuses and so much dread...So much hurt....In a way...all that pain, made me feel safe- Justified even.

But seeing who I am becoming without all of the "STUFF" dragging me down, has turned me into a much more confident person.  Tumors and all!

And IF someone happens to comment on my tumors, while I am working out....Let them!  THRIVING isn't just writing a blog that has a cool ending...It's LIVING--BREATHING a positive life, no matter what you are dealing with.


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