Turn it Around Tuesday

You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you
~Brian Tracy


My world ended the day I found out I had Neurofibromatosis.  The world I was used to anyway.  The truth that had been following me my whole life, in silence, was now screaming to be set free.


But I felt anything but FREE.  My diagnosis came with an enormous sense of guilt and anguish.  My reality was now something I couldn't deny....or hide from.


Nothing could have prepared me for the day someone else would recognize what the tiny bumps on my body were.  I wasn't ready for it.  I didn't want to hear it.


My whole life had been about NOT acknowledging the problems in my life...and simply blaming others (especially God) for what was happening.


Everything tied together, that day in the obstetrician's office.  I had no where to hide and no one to blame...but myself.

I spent the next few months finding excuses or ways to explain away my ignorance about NF.  I even got angry and began a blog that was all about the crap in my life and what it was doing to ME.


For me, there was no freedom in knowing or understanding that I had Neurofibromatosis.  Knowing just made me more mad!


What changed for me?  How did I make a "Turn Around"?


The change came when I began to realize the true impact I could have on the things that were happening, by simply looking at them in a different way.  Sure  those THINGS still were horrible and awful...but the way I handled those THINGS could change the way I was affected...as well as how those around me were affected.


It's not easy...This is something I have to focus on all the time.  But instead of looking at the challenges in my life, as something being done to me...I now take these challenges and wonder what I can do to them.


THRIVE ON

Are You There God? It's Me Kristi

"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: 8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened."

Matthew 7:7-8

I have always prayed.  Even at 7 yrs old, I prayed that God would make ME sick, instead of my brother....and that my mommy would be happy again.  

Every night, I'd crawl into my small closet, in the bedroom that my mom and I shared.  I'd close my eyes and talk as quietly as I could to a God who my mother called a monster.

I refused to believe that God was to blame for all the problems....All the sickness that our family was enduring.  

So I prayed my prayer in desperate silence.  But things only seemed to get worse.  My brother's issues with Neurofibromatosis were progressing and my mother was spiraling into a deep depression.

Was God hearing my prayers?  Did He care at all about me?  Why wasn't He fixing my problems? This "all-powerful being" was ignoring me!  I wanted Him to take away the pain...the sickness, but He wasn't doing anything!

After my brother and I were taken away from my mother, I vowed to never talk to God again.  He was ignoring me...so I was going to ignore Him.  "Ask and you shall receive?"  Ya right!

It wasn't until I was an adult that I began to understand the way God works, but I still struggle with it.  I often pray prayers that sound more like demands, than requests.  "HEAL ME!"  "HEAL MY CHILD!"  And I find myself questioning the plans He has for my life.

Where is the trust?  The faith that I proclaim to have?  When God doesn't answer your prayers, it often means that HIS answers are not YOUR answers.  This has been a hard thing for me to accept and I find myself feeling as alone and helpless as I did when I was a child, praying in that closet.

When I pray now, even though I still want the answers that I WANT, I thank God for what I have, then leave the rest up to Him.  This is not to say that I don't send up requests....'Cause I send up many, It's just I have given up the control I THOUGHT I had to begin with.

The greatest reason that some prayers go unanswered is because many give-up praying and believing when the answer they expected never arrives, and they were so busy looking for their answer they never heard HIS answer. As long as we have the promise of God’s Word, be patient and persistent - keep believing, and don’t quit, no matter how long it takes! God has a “due season” when He will bring the answer to pass.

Rachel's Non-Sedated MRI

Rachel was so proud! No more sedated MRI's! This was a BIG day!

Turn it Around Tuesday

Do positive people bug you?  Being married to public speaking coach, I have heard it all.  I think we own every self-help, motivational book out there.  The "Rah-Rah Whoopla" that spews out of the mouths of these multi-millionaires just rubs me the wrong way.

But in the last few years...Especially in the years since my diagnosis of Neurofibromatosis, I have begun to hear what these guys have to say, in a very different way.

I grew up in a very toxic and negative environment, and learned from the best, how to always look at the dark side of things....and assume the worst.

God was a monster, who cursed our family with a dreaded and debilitating "disease" and deserved nothing but blame for inflicting us.  I was taught to hate...and brought up to hide and be ashamed of who I was.

When I would ask questions about what was happening to my older brother, Mike who is severely affected by NF, the response was anger-filled.  My mother didn't want to accept or deal with what was happening to Mike...or to herself.

For me, it felt wrong to always be angry and hateful.  I tried so hard to separate myself from the sewage I was living in.  But being a kid...It didn't work so well for me.

I was wrapped so tightly, and held my anger inside.  Not many know this, but in 8th grade (after a cruel dose of puberty) I swallowed a small handful of sleeping pills, just to make the cruelty of others end.  When I woke up the next morning, I was disappointed....and extremely tired.

I knew something had to change...I just didn't know how to change it....and I was afraid that if I tried to change, and it failed...it would be just another thing in my life that sucked.

I pretended really well...and got through the rest of my childhood relatively unscathed.  It wouldn't be until adulthood, after my diagnosis, that it would all catch up to me.

Everyone has a choice with how they live their life.  Like my brilliant 15 yr old daughter says, "bad things happen everyday, it's up to you, to pick out the good in the bad, even if you have to use tweezers".

The "Rah-Rah Whoopla" now makes more sense to me than ever.  You don't have to be famous, or a billionaire to have a positive attitude.  You don't need to write a book and have 2 thousand friends.  All you need is the will to look at things in a different way...then make the effort to change.

Thrive On!

Chemo and NF

All is well here--Considering all that's going on.  The only side affect from the Chemo seems to be exhaustion.   But Bailey is handling it like a champ!

This weekend we were playing at the park and it was like nothing was changed....Nothing was wrong.

We know however, that this is the calm before the storm.  We know that once the chemo builds up in Bailey's system, things will change.

So we focus on our good days....The days where Bailey feels like playing, instead of sleeping....and most importantly we keep up our spirits and believe that this road we are on, is a temporary one, that will lead us to a better place.

I have to say, I never imagined a life that included taking a child to chemotherapy.  I doubt that anyone could imagine it...or want to.  But it is true, that it affects everyone in the family...not just the one getting hooked up to the IV every week.

Our family has been turned upside down.  Everything now focuses around the weekly chemo treatments, and the side affects that come from that.

I find myself struggling to balance life, with 5 other children who need me just as much as Bailey does.  Some days this balance is exhausting...I don't feel like I'm doing enough.