Controlling the Fear--Impossible

Everyone faces fear at some point in their life. Some walk through fear every single day, while others may briefly pass it by. Fear of the unknown, is probably the greatest fear of all. Not knowing how something will turn out or wanting to control the outcome of a situation is something I fear all the time.

Why do I feel the need to have this control? Maybe it's because I don't feel comfortable with 'something else' in charge of my life. A 'higher power' that knows the outcome of everything I do, can be quite overwhelming.

But I do know this, when I choose to hand over my fear to God, things usually turn out pretty good.

Sometimes it's hard to understand that God has a plan for everyone AND everything. I often think, "Why does Neurofibromatosis exist, and how could it possibly be a part of God's plan for me?" Why cancer? Why sickness? I could spend my days asking WHY...or I could chose to DO SOMETHING.

Every year my NF gets worse....How can I possibly learn something from this? The fear of this condition, has strangled me, almost my entire life. It was only when I chose to take the control back, and then pass on this fear I had to God, that I could eventually stand up and breathe again.

Understanding that God didn't do this "TO ME", but instead is helping me do something WITH it, helps me get through the unknown. The power that fear had over me was what was killing me, not my NF. THIS was a hard lesson to learn.

I was brought up to believe that GOD controlled EVERYTHING. The good, the bad and everything inbetween....and it was HIM that gave us Neurofibromatosis. My mother would tell me that God hated us, and was punishing us. She would often curse God, and tell me to stop praying because God wasn't listening.

I was so confused growing up. I didn't know what to believe, but I did know, believing like my mother, felt awful....And I knew God couldn't possibly want me to feel this way. SO I began to pray in my closet. I would ask Him to help my mom....and I would oftentimes stay in the closet so long, I would fall asleep.

God doesn't want us to fear. He wants us to go to Him, especially when we are fearful and ask for help. That's the key...asking for help.

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right and says to you, Do NOT Fear, I will help you. Isaiah 41:13

FEARS

Turn-it-Around Tuesday!

Sometimes, the things you fear the most, can lead you to the greatest successes.

I get fearful all the time. With a disorder like Neurofibromatosis, your future (health wise) is so variable. I see pictures of people in their 50's-60's with NF and wonder if my fate is sealed. Will I still be able to "Thrive", when my body is consumed with tumors? One thing I have learned about fear; if you don't push through it, you will never overcome it.

Yesterday, I met with my Neurologist, to talk about the MRI and visual field test, that I had last week. Getting ready for the visit, I felt a fear inside me, that made me want to cancel the appointment. I was scared that I was going to get some life changing results.

I went, pushed the fear away, and sat as I listened to Dr. Rojas tell me that my MRI actually looked BETTER than the one I had in May '09. The enlarged ventricles were smaller, the brain tumor had not changed in size and there were no tumors on or around the Optic pathways. GOOD NEWS! My fears settled and I breathed a sigh of relief.

I really needed some good news. Life has been taking us on quite an obstacle course with all of the medical stuff going on. I had been feeling very overwhelmed with having so many doctors appointments, and exhausted and frustrated from not getting any answers....THIS was a good day!

I asked about my visual field test, but the Dr. had not received the results. Dr. Rojas promised she would call me, if the results of that, showed anything to be concerned about. I know there is SOMETHING going on with my vision....but it's not clear on what. (no pun intended)

I felt good when I left the doctors office. I was given an increased prescription for Topomax and was told to keep taking Lazic and Potassium.

We are giving this another 12 wks, before considering a shunt.

So my Turn Around is simply this -- Don't be afraid of your fears. That may sound cliche', but if you let your fears control you, you lose out on some pretty awesome things. The fears you have, show you that you are alive. Try to turn those fears into the energy that pushes you forward.