Thursday, January 7, 2016

Thriving With (or Without) Resentment

Today....I woke up with every intention of it being a GOOD day! I have the day off from work....I was going to go to Crossfit....Clean my house (Christmas Break has left my house in a state of craziness)....Bake Riker's Birthday cake....AND, catch up on my blog....

BUT....I woke up sick. I logged into my email and the first thing I see, is a comment on one of my posts, from none other than ANONYMOUS. It's been a LONG time, since 'anonymous' has left any comments for me....Here's what they had to say today. "The fact that you can willingly and knowingly pass your disease down to six children is sickening. You are the true definition of Selfish."
Thank you very much ANONYMOUS, for again waking me up out of my writers block. The first word that came to my mind after reading this comment was resentment. It's a very powerful word...And it got me thinking.

Do I resent my mother for choosing to have me...?
Do MY children resent me?

When I was about 8 years old...I began having these headaches. I was so scared that they were like my brothers headaches. THOSE headaches brought my brother to the hospital. THOSE headaches caused my mom and dad to fight. THOSE headaches were caused by something I couldn't possibly understand being that young.

So, I kept quiet about them. I was lucky. Most of my NF symptoms were not noticeable. OK...So, maybe "Lucky" isn't the right word to use...Because my symptoms WERE noticeable. To those actually trained to see them, that is. I grew up, believing that I didn't have NF. My parents, even doctors telling me that my older brother was the only one in our family who DID have it.

I witnessed the guilt - it filled my mother when SHE realized that SHE was the one who "gave" my brother this horrific 'disease'. She couldn't cope. The complications that my brother faced, tore our family apart.

But - MY NF...Didn't exist. Even though, it did.

After being OFFICIALLY diagnosed with NF after my last baby was born - well, it was too late. That was going to be our last baby anyway, and the only thing to do was to move forward, get everyone checked out, and live on. It was out of all of this that Thrivng with Neurofibromatosis was born - because that was all I had available to me, and my family.

So - Anonymous - if you actually read my blog, you'd already know this. But hey, hide behind your keyboard and feel good about slamming me, if that's what makes you THRIVE.

As for me - IF my children end up resenting me...I will deal with that. But RIGHT NOW....We are a family that has grown together....We are happy....We are THRIVING! I should not have to defend my choices...Or make excuses for what I do. I am proud of myself. I am doing my best to raise my children to be proud of who they are and what they do. If you have a problem with THAT....Let's talk. And anonymous....Let go of some of that anger. THRIVE ON!


  1. I still cannot believe that someone could be that insensitive. Even though I have NF, I have not discounted the possibility of having kids. I feel that it is more selfish for me not to have kids. Why should I withhold the possibility of my children to be successful or to be contributors to society? Even if they could inherit NF from me, why should I keep them from feeling love? That to me is selfish.

    By the way, I used to have an NF blog a few years back, but have not been able to update it. The few blog entries I wrote then have recently been incorporated into another (new) blog: I still have your comments on one or two of those posts.

  2. I am actually one of those who is afraid of having kids because of their NF. Wpuld feel horrible to know you are the reason your kid is "Not normal". I think. Additionally, this is also making me avoid love-based relationships.

    No known history of NF in my family. I just happened to "lose the gene-lottery" I guess.

    I would not say that I am ashamed of my "diagnois" I just prefer acting like it is not there at all, makes things a lot easier. A relationship would force me to "open up" and in a way stop rejecting my condition (to a certain degree). And even more so if I have kids.

    //NF1 from Sweden