I have bad days. Do you? Sometimes I have REALLY bad days. I look in the mirror and see what's going on with my body, and I get so angry. IT'S NOT FAIR! I cry as I see the tumors multiply....what will I look like in a year? In 5 years? In 20?
Neurofibromatosis is a progressive disorder. It's cruel and steady and has no sympathy on who it touches. I hate it so much some days, that I find myself reaching for the razor blade, as I did years ago, when the first tumors began to show themselves.
I was in my 20's when a tumor grew fast and large on my neck. Desperate, I sliced through the tumor to remove it from my flesh. I didn't care about the physical pain it caused me, for its mental pain was far worse. Little did I know back then, that this was only one of thousands that would try to ravage my body.
It's hard for me to look in the mirror, without noticing the tumors. I deal with the ones on the surface, and others that are deeply intertwined, attached to nerves, under my skin. NF, for me has been a hard pill to swallow. It affects everything I do now. I can't cover it up and hide anymore.
How can I possibly live a normal life? How can I be with a man, an expect him to not be repulsed by the sight of me? Can I walk around, without stares and finger pointing? How can I teach my children a positve self image, when I feel so terrible about my own?
I don't have the answers to all of these questions. I wish I did. But I do know this, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and CHOOSE, to live. You CHOOSE to thrive. There are times when I don't give a damn about what people say, or think about who I am....and I need to start living that everyday.
This is what God handed me....what will I choose to do with it?