Today we drove to the Children's Hospital for the 3rd time this week. (Is it REALLY only Tuesday?)
Today's visit was for Rachel, and a check-up with the Ophthalmology department. My frustrated mood from the morning, plummeted even further when I watched as Rachel was unable to read the letters that reflected on the wall 10 feet away.
She tried so hard. Squinting...and squirming in the over-sized chair. She started reciting letters.
The Dr. walks her swivel chair close to me and asks me if Rachel could be overly tired today. "No...I don't think so." I responded....In my head I was thinking that I just wanted to tell her "YES!", in hopes of giving a reason for the sudden decline in Rachel's vision.
But THAT reason would be too simple.
The doctor told me that Rachel's eye exam has left them stumped. In the Winter of 2009, we were told that Rachel would be "legally blind" by the time she was 10.....A year later, we got THIS NEWS . An amazing and wonderful thing for our family to hear.
The scans since have shown "stability"!
A simple word...But one that causes joyous excitement in our world.
But today...We didn't hear "stable".
We heard our doctor tell us that Rachel's vision has worsened since the last visit.
This visit was like witnessing a car wreck...And I felt that helpless feeling that is all-too-familiar.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to fight against the reality that Rachel may face blindness one day. There is no "jaws of life" that can free us from this possibility...And as angry and helpless this makes me...I have to remember who is control of this situation.
Rachel tells me as we skip down the hall, after the appointment ..."Did you know that people can see things with their hearts?" "How do you know?" I ask her...."'Cuz Mama, when I close my eyes and it's all black....I can still see how much you love me!"
How can I possibly be angry? How can I question? How can I ever doubt?