I have spent most of my life being fearful. Sometimes, I can't help it. I worry about this NF, and how it is affecting my life. I hate it so much sometimes....and I hate even more, that I can't do a thing about it.....Or can I?
One of my favorite quotes is by Erica Mann Jong, it states:"I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me." Fear can consume you, taking the control away from you...but only if you let it.
So much time has been spent being fearful of my future and playing the "what if" game. I give up my control and let the fear take over. Worrying constantly about my health, my children, money, our home. The fear of the future brings anger and resentment with it. Then I am consumed with the darkness, finding it so hard to find my way out.
Taking back my control has not been an easy thing to do.....even today, I worry about my upcoming medical tests......The Nuclear Brain flow test...I'm scared about the needles in my back.....the radiation....the side effects.....the travel to and from. On one hand, I am happy that something is FINALLY being done, then on the other......the stinkin' fear. "What if".......they find something REALLY REALLY wrong, and are unable to "fix" me? "What if".......this will require surgery, and time down?..who will help with the kids?...and ....the meals? and the house.....? I worry if my husband will be able to handle things while I am needing to be down.
FEAR....LOSS OF CONTROL.....DOUBT..... (Reel it back in Kristi....it will be okay) (((BREATHE)))
It takes work (more mental than physical) to decide to trust in God. Isaiah 41:10 says “Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”
With everything you do, choosing to trust and have faith in God is something we all face. But once you place your faith in HIM, the fear goes away. I have felt it many times...when I let God in, the amazing peace that comes over me, helps me feel protected and less afraid....less alone.
I wish I could stay in that place all the time....but....I keep doubting, and lose trust. With all the problems NF has brought to our family, I quickly get overwhelmed. I spin in an uncontrollable downward tumble.....How easy it is to forget who holds the real power and control.
I am but human.....I don't always feel like THRIVING. There are days when NF wins. Times when I cry for my children, and the problems that await them. Days when I don't want to get out of bed. But the thing is......I do get out of bed......I wipe the tears away, and I move forward.