Wednesday, July 29, 2009
I grew up in a unstable home. There's no denying that divorce traumatizes a family. Everyone involved is affected.
My brothers NF medical problems were surely a factor, in the stress my parents were under. As a parent now, I can understand how truly difficult it is to balance everything, when one of your children is chronically ill.
After the divorce, my brothers and I were split up. Mom got Mikey and I, my Dad got Jay and Kyle. As a 7 yr old, I couldn't understand why we couldn't all be together. In my mind, my mom got the "damage" kids..while my dad got the "normal" kids. Why did I have to suffer, when it was my parents who had the problem? I spent a lot of that first year, very angry at mom and dad. It wasn't fair!
Watching my mom after the divorce was very frightening. She went from a vibrant and happy woman, to a frail, angry monster. Her eyes grew dark...as did her soul. She was broken.
I have learned that my mom tried to take her own life a few times. Even with me sleeping in the bed, next to her, I had no idea. I knew my mother was sad, but I could not possibly grasp how deep her wounds really were.
It wasn't until I was an adult, divorced, with 2 kids. That I could understand the stress my mom was under. The weight of the world on my shoulders. No breaks. Over tired. Working 3 jobs. I wasn't suicidal, but I was pushed to the brink of desperation....
I don't know what exactly "saved" me....maybe it was remembering my mom...and how I never wanted my kids to catch a glimpse of anything close to what I saw. I would cry out to God, to keep me from that dark place. To give me strength to get through another day.
It wasn't long after my divorce, that I met and married my best friend.
I connected with another 'NFer' today. He posted on a message board, and I responded immediately. His post was that of a very depressed and broken soul. Talk of suicide laced his words. I recognized it right away, and felt drawn to him. He felt that NF was ruling his life....keeping him from a normal existence. As much as I relate to the NF, and the problems it causes...I have never once felt that me being here was a mistake or that I wasn't normal. I have always felt, that if someone couldn't accept ME for ME...then THEY were the ones who weren't normal.
Anyway, I talked to this gentleman for over an hour using the instant messenger...and have definitely made a new friend. He is a very nice person, who feels very alone. It's true, we can allow NF to isolate us...making the world seem so large, that we are but a speck of dust. But its when you find that ONE person who totally gets you, that the walls of the world close in just a bit, and you aren't so alone.
It's so important to reach out, if you feel you are losing touch. If depression and anger consume you, you are NOT alone. I know there are things in life that seem so big, you never think you can overcome them....but all you really need, is someone to help you see another way to deal with it.
This is awesome website! www.save.org/
You can also call: Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK