When I was thinking about today's blog and what I could write that could possibly be motivational....I struggled. I haven't been feeling to "inspirational" lately. In fact, I've been very depressed. Not so much with the NF....I mean the NF is always there (kind of like an annoying neighbor) but with just life in general.
I'm happy with the basics. I am grateful for the place we live. We have food to eat and I am surrounded by people who love me. But do you ever hit a point in your life, where you wonder how you got where you are?
I never expected to be "here". For those who know me closely, you know what I mean. It's almost like I can't hang on to anything, because of the fear of it not being mine. I walk around in my current life, just waiting for "things" to be taken away.
I go through my day, envious. Always watching, always wanting. As I sit here now, I wonder why it is I do this. Is my life really so dissatisfying?
I was chatting the other day, with an old friend. I used to babysit her young son and was always jealous of the life she lived; big house, nice cars...just really nice stuff. I would picture my future, and would pretend, it was me living in that house. It was what I always wanted.....
She asked about my family and how everyone was feeling. As I went through the children, and myself....she stopped me. She shook her head and smiled, and told me how my face just lights up when I talk about my kids.
Years before, this woman had gone through some medical issues, that required her to get a full hysterectomy. She had one child, but was left feeling so empty. She came from a big family, and always longed to have one of her own. What she said next, left me speechless.
"For years, Kristi, I have to admit...I was always jealous of you....being able to have children. Your big family....and the love that just oozes from the seams." She began to cry, and hugged me.
She, was jealous of ME? I couldn't believe that. "You have everything I ever have wanted, Kristi."
Looking back on that moment, I feel guilty for feeling depressed with my current life. I DO have everything I ever wanted.....just not in the way I thought. Why am I always looking over the fence, when what I have in my own backyard, is...perfect?
So a goal for me, and maybe you....appreciate what you have. I do want things to be different, want a little more money, want a little less weight, want a different car, bigger house....but really? If I'm spending all of my time looking at what everyone else has.....my life will pass me by.
I'm going to focus on today...Live my life. Love my life. And be grateful.
But first I'm going to apologize to my husband.