Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Uncertainty breeds fear

I'm sitting here today...waiting on a phone call from the drs office. I have no idea when or if they will call today. I'm just hoping. The whole waiting thing just pisses me off. I hate waiting for anything...I'm very impatient.
When I was a kid...I remember on weekend visitations with my dad, we would waste a whole Saturday, just waiting around for my father to come get me. He was vague in his excpeted pick up time, but to me "early afternoon" means sometime before 1pm. To my father, it meant anytime that day.
As a mother, I wait for things to be done on my kids' schedule. Tying shoes can take 15 minutes, brushing teeth 20 minutes WAIT WAIT WAIT!~

I don't know what it is about waiting that aggrivates me so much...I do not think the world revolves around me or anything....I just want my time to be respected. That's what it boils down to....respect!

I had the 2nd CT scan on THURSDAY....I expected I wouldn't get a call on Friday....so I chose not to worry through the weekend....just letting things go. I prayed, and kept my focus on God's plan.

Yesterday (Monday), I called the office and the damn Dr. was out of the office! DOESN"T SHE KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THESE RESULTS ARE!? Ahh...but the results won't change...they are what they are...but it's the not knowing, that is breeding this fear inside me.

Fear...simply put is from the devil. Satan wants us to fear. ANything that takes our focus off of Jesus, is what makes Satan happy. So, I am trying hard, to not fall into the trap, that so many people to. (being aware of this is half the battle--right?)

I long to feel God's loving embrace....finding comfort and security in the truth of His words and promises.

I pray.

"Lord guide me, for I am lost. Protect me from buying into the lies of the enemy. I know you have a plan for me. I trust you. I believe in you. Heal me Lord. Whatever the results are....heal me! Help me walk in the path you have layed for me. In Jesus Name amen"
The call finally came regarding the 2nd scan. The "tumors" that the previous scan had shown were gone. I tell you--if this kind of thing doesn't bring you closer to God, I don't know what would.
I was sent to a urologist...and he suggested surgery for my left kidney...nothing major. Just a stent slipped into my bladder / ureters...to try to see if there was a blockage.
After the surgery...we didnt get answers....my left kidney wasn't doing well, but the stent didn't show a blockage.
So, basically I just went home to carry on as normal, and come back in 6 wks. I did just that...6 wks later I went in for another CT Scan, and checked into the surgery center, where I was expected to under go a Lithotripsy. I waited and waited and waited......hooked up to the IV, and got all set to get some answers!
My Dr comes in to explain the surgery, then left the room. After reviewing the current CT Scan, he comes into the room and asks about my pain. He tells me that the scan shows that I had passed almost all my stones, and he doesnt feel the need for the surgery.
God is trying to tell me something here.
I got dressed and left the surgery center .. in shock. I went home and just kept thanking God for blessing me again!
Since then....my kidneys have not been a real issue for me.
God is good--ALL the time