Thursday, January 21, 2016
I remember my first roller coaster. I was 8. I stood before the GINORMOUS set of tracks, that twisted and turned....And even went in a loopy loop. As I stood in line, with my older brothers, who were SO excited -- I silently prayed that something would happen to get me out of this....
Maybe I wouldn't be tall enough....
Maybe I could pretend to be sick....
Even today, I build in a THOUSAND excuses for just about about everything I do. Don't do. It's AMAZING....The amount of excuses I come up with. Now these are legit....Excusable excuses, and get me out of doing anything I don't really want to do....So I'm not really hurting anyone.
Or am I...?
Have you ever done anything that makes you scared...? But you do it anyway...? Like some unknown force is drawing you to the other side of that scary thing...?
We get comfortable in our lives...At least I do....And the MOMENT I am challenged in any way....I want to fall apart. To withdraw. To run. (In the opposite direction!)
This is true with everything in my life.
Exercise - Speaking - Church - Marriage - Kids (I could go on and on)
I don't like to be challenged....Or taken out of my comfort zone.
Heck, just putting myself out there online is sometimes a challenge. (And I have this computer screen to hide behind)
Challenge is difficult. It's MEANT to be. It's meant to steer you in a direction that makes you grow...And learn....And even sometimes fail (which is where the learning comes in)
When it was our turn to get in the roller coaster car....My brothers sandwiched me, and pushed me forward! I WASN'T READY!! I NEEDED MORE TIME! I WAS SCARED!
I was SURE I was going to fall out......I was sure that the roller coaster was going to get stuck....And that I would need to be rescued.
We sat down in the car...I was belted in....And AWAY WE WENT.
I remember shutting my eyes and screaming. Hanging onto the bar in front of me for dear life! I remember my brother telling me and he wouldn't let me fall out.....He put his arm around me..."See...? I've got you."
But halfway through our ride....BOTH of my brothers hands were in the air.....And I was left with just a belt and a bar to protect me!
I screamed louder and LOUDER....
And before I knew it....The ride was over.
As my belt was released...I opened my eyes...Looked around.....I was okay. I survived.
"Let's GO AGAIN!!" I squealed.
We went on that roller coaster 7 TIMES!
There's nothing wrong with being scared of the challenge – as long as you're willing to feel the fear, and do it anyway. It's all part of Thriving. With NF, with anything.
I may be afraid, but hey, BRING IT!
Thursday, January 7, 2016
BUT....I woke up sick. I logged into my email and the first thing I see, is a comment on one of my posts, from none other than ANONYMOUS. It's been a LONG time, since 'anonymous' has left any comments for me....Here's what they had to say today. "The fact that you can willingly and knowingly pass your disease down to six children is sickening. You are the true definition of Selfish."
Thank you very much ANONYMOUS, for again waking me up out of my writers block. The first word that came to my mind after reading this comment was resentment. It's a very powerful word...And it got me thinking.
Do I resent my mother for choosing to have me...?
Do MY children resent me?
When I was about 8 years old...I began having these headaches. I was so scared that they were like my brothers headaches. THOSE headaches brought my brother to the hospital. THOSE headaches caused my mom and dad to fight. THOSE headaches were caused by something I couldn't possibly understand being that young.
So, I kept quiet about them. I was lucky. Most of my NF symptoms were not noticeable. OK...So, maybe "Lucky" isn't the right word to use...Because my symptoms WERE noticeable. To those actually trained to see them, that is. I grew up, believing that I didn't have NF. My parents, even doctors telling me that my older brother was the only one in our family who DID have it.
I witnessed the guilt - it filled my mother when SHE realized that SHE was the one who "gave" my brother this horrific 'disease'. She couldn't cope. The complications that my brother faced, tore our family apart.
But - MY NF...Didn't exist. Even though, it did.
After being OFFICIALLY diagnosed with NF after my last baby was born - well, it was too late. That was going to be our last baby anyway, and the only thing to do was to move forward, get everyone checked out, and live on. It was out of all of this that Thrivng with Neurofibromatosis was born - because that was all I had available to me, and my family.
So - Anonymous - if you actually read my blog, you'd already know this. But hey, hide behind your keyboard and feel good about slamming me, if that's what makes you THRIVE.
As for me - IF my children end up resenting me...I will deal with that. But RIGHT NOW....We are a family that has grown together....We are happy....We are THRIVING! I should not have to defend my choices...Or make excuses for what I do. I am proud of myself. I am doing my best to raise my children to be proud of who they are and what they do. If you have a problem with THAT....Let's talk. And anonymous....Let go of some of that anger. THRIVE ON!