Monday, August 16, 2010

Controlling the Fear--Impossible

Everyone faces fear at some point in their life. Some walk through fear every single day, while others may briefly pass it by. Fear of the unknown, is probably the greatest fear of all. Not knowing how something will turn out or wanting to control the outcome of a situation is something I fear all the time.

Why do I feel the need to have this control? Maybe it's because I don't feel comfortable with 'something else' in charge of my life. A 'higher power' that knows the outcome of everything I do, can be quite overwhelming.

But I do know this, when I choose to hand over my fear to God, things usually turn out pretty good.

Sometimes it's hard to understand that God has a plan for everyone AND everything. I often think, "Why does Neurofibromatosis exist, and how could it possibly be a part of God's plan for me?" Why cancer? Why sickness? I could spend my days asking WHY...or I could chose to DO SOMETHING.

Every year my NF gets worse....How can I possibly learn something from this? The fear of this condition, has strangled me, almost my entire life. It was only when I chose to take the control back, and then pass on this fear I had to God, that I could eventually stand up and breathe again.

Understanding that God didn't do this "TO ME", but instead is helping me do something WITH it, helps me get through the unknown. The power that fear had over me was what was killing me, not my NF. THIS was a hard lesson to learn.

I was brought up to believe that GOD controlled EVERYTHING. The good, the bad and everything inbetween....and it was HIM that gave us Neurofibromatosis. My mother would tell me that God hated us, and was punishing us. She would often curse God, and tell me to stop praying because God wasn't listening.

I was so confused growing up. I didn't know what to believe, but I did know, believing like my mother, felt awful....And I knew God couldn't possibly want me to feel this way. SO I began to pray in my closet. I would ask Him to help my mom....and I would oftentimes stay in the closet so long, I would fall asleep.

God doesn't want us to fear. He wants us to go to Him, especially when we are fearful and ask for help. That's the key...asking for help.

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right and says to you, Do NOT Fear, I will help you. Isaiah 41:13


  1. Wow! That is pretty powerful! Thanks for sharing!

    That is an intense burden your mom put on you. I am sure glad you persevered and learned to see things more accurately.

    Yes, God will help you through it. Good job Kristi! Keep it up!

  2. I admire the way in which you accept your NF. You have such Grace. I am 62 years old and still struggle with bitterness. I hope one day I can be as accepting as you are. I love you family and they are all very lucky children to have you as a mother.